Unscensored

Today my heart hurts. A day that there is no reason for me to feel this way. I have an overwhelming sense of joy and pride in my son and the blessing of being his mom. But at the end of the day, my selfish nature causes my heart to hurt. I do not deserve the things that I long for. And yet the longing remains.

I should not even give these desires a second thought. They are rooted in selfishness and pride.

But my heart hurts. Because the longing still remains.

My heart longs for some sort of recognition that I cannot express into words. And any explanation I have for these desires, comes out in jibberish and contradictions.

The consistent lack of these desires being met calls in to question the validity of their necessity. They must not be important. They must not be what I really need. They must be selfish and rooted out of a sinful nature. Because if these desires are God given, I believe they would be met.

But maybe that’s the core issue…that I long for these to be met by someone other than God himself. Which makes this core issue more of a sin than previously thought.

God, please help me. My idolatry runs deeper than I thought. The deception rules more of me than I even know. I need salvation from myself. I need rescued from this mess. I am broken. I am prideful. I am demanding. I am not what You have created me to be. I fall short. Be my Redeemer. Help me to allow You to be my Redeemer.