“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.” -Jeremiah 29:11-13
Recently, my husband and I found out that I was pregnant. Our son just turned 2, so it seemed like perfect timing in our opinion. I was anxious about this pregnancy, but I was with the first as well. I knew I would feel better once I saw that little baby and the flickering heartbeat on the ultrasound. With Lincoln, we had an early ultrasound at 6 weeks, so waiting till 8 weeks seemed daunting. I survived till then, but not without increasing anxiety. My symptoms seemed just a little off and I just felt off. I was not overly tired, and the horrendous sickness had not hit yet. Not even at 8 weeks. When we went for our appointment, the doctor did his quick belly ultrasound on his dinosaur machine. He was unable to see anything, but felt that it was still early since he might not be able to see anything close to 9 weeks. I held on to my optimism as they sent us to the hospital for their super sensitive ultrasound that can detect anything. Since I have had it done before, I knew what to expect. They scan everything from every angle, take measurements and label everything, take a snapshot of the baby and and stop to show you the flickering heartbeat and tell you what he/she is measuring. However, she didn’t stop. She took all the snapshots of everything, and then asked me if I was supposed to go back to my doctor. I knew that it wasn’t good news when she didn’t print out the ultrasound. Or give me a card that says “Congratulations!”. Or tell me anything. In these situations, silence is the worst kind of news. She let me have a little breakdown, and sent me back to my doctor. She was amazingly sympathetic and kind. I basically shut down while we waited. I needed to wait for the actual news from my doctor before I could break down. My husband was beyond supportive and present. The doctor came in and was extremely empathetic but hopeful. He told us that the ultrasound showed an empty sac measuring 5 weeks. This could mean that the baby is just measuring a few weeks behind, which apparently can happen, and has happened before. But it most likely means that the baby never developed, which they call a blighted ovum. So we were asked to come back in 1 week to repeat the ultrasound to see if there is any progression.
The worst part of the situation is balancing the grieving process of a loss, but still holding on to hope. Being pregnant with the same symptoms, but knowing that it most likely all for not. Preparing yourself mentally for the physical process of the loss that you will be experiencing sometime in the undetermined future.
“Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.” -Proverbs 19:21
But the best part of the situation is knowing that God never stopped being in of control of this situation. I know that there are people that love the “name it and claim it” attitude. That if I just tell God what I want Him to give me, that He should and will give it to me if I have enough faith. I’m not a fan of this mentality. I believe that God knows better than I. I believe that God knows what I need to happen in my life. I believe that God can use any situation for good. I believe that someone else on this planet with benefit from knowing that I walked through this heartbreak, and I came out on the other side not only okay, but with a deeper faith. See, I am a control freak. And God knows that. But I know that God wants me to relinquish some of the control I have over my life. Because the control I have over my life is just an illusion. God has my life in complete control. Even in the midst of an explainable event.
“The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.” -Proverbs 16:9
After the week of waiting, we went back to find out that the situation was the same. No change in the ultrasound. We scheduled a D&C for the next day. I was getting anxious about having a miscarriage naturally when I was at work or the store or anywhere other than home. The procedure was quick, however the preparation before and the effects after were not. The anesthesia held on for a while and, thankfully, made me very tired. I was forced to rest and sleep and allow my mind and body to come to terms with the fact that I am not pregnant anymore. But to also take the next mental step to prepare for the next step, what ever that will look like. We are ready to move forward with whatever God calls us to next in the life of our family.
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