Providence

This season has been exceptionally long and hard.  Every one we know is experiencing the heavy and the sad.  We all go through seasons of darkness, where we walk through traumatic hardships. Where we wade through the deep dark scary places in life. Ask the hard questions, make impossible choices. Deal with the consequences of our very sinful and very fallen world.  And that is what is happening now in this season.  The sin in this world is causing pain for our loved-ones, for us, for our communities.

As humans, we inevitably fall for the trap of relying on our own feelings and perceptions. In the midst of heartache and chaos, we need answers. We cling to and claim special phrases. These Christian-ese phrases that make it sound like we are “religious“, that we are not shaken by fear. Our minds concoct an explanation of how hard situations can exist. How they could even be happening to us. These explanations tend to be very negative. “God hates me.” “Why would a loving Father God allow this to happen?” “My sin made this happen.” Or even incorrectly positive: “God will never give me more than I can handle.” “God promises riches and wealth for those who follow Him.” “God promises healing in a way that I want it to look like!”  I honestly admire people who can just straight up say “this sucks”.  Because the truth is, God can handle whatever you are feeling.  Even if we can’t admit the truth of our reactions.

Let me share a few easy truths for you:

• God will most definitely allow more than you can handle.
• God does not blanket promise earthly favor or material blessings.
• God’s definition of healing, prosperity, and joy are very different than our own.

However:

• God loves you.
• God wants the very best for you.
• God wants to save you from yourself and your choices.

I was recently reminded of a time I experienced scrupulosity when I was just a baby Christian. Yes, scrupulosity. Go ahead, look it up. I’ll wait. It is a real word. And it is a real thing. A very real, very scary type of OCD. It was a dark time. I didn’t know up from down. I couldn’t trust my own thoughts. My feelings betrayed me. Questioning your deepest held beliefs and most important relationship in life will mess with your head. Reading stories now of others who walk in this affliction causes me to be grateful for the brevity of my experience.

During this time, there were people in my life who helped me survive each day by their mere presence. They spoke and lived out truth boldly. God provided these people who were equipped to speak truth into my life when I wasn’t even sure I could hear or recognize truth at all. I think the name for that is Providence, when God’s sovereignty intervenes.

This is when I learned the importance of trusting God, the God of the Bible, not my feelings. The importance of memorizing, understanding, and reciting scripture became clear. The keyword is understanding though. Not just arbitrarily quoting scripture to fit my own meaning or to fit my own explanation of what was happening to me. Context before and after, whole books of the Bible, the Bible as a whole, understanding history, all changed my understanding of scripture. And my goodness, I cannot recommend anything more to anyone who is living on this earth. Know the truth of God so you can defend against the lies of this world.

When I was 19, I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. It’s not something I discuss seriously too often, but it is not something I try to hide either. This diagnosis came on the tail end of panic attacks that were caused by a very unstable and toxic situation. A situation I thought i couldn’t live without. This eventually led me to move home, closer to everything. The unraveling of this situation was messy…and weird…and confusing. It’s what led to the scared phone call from my mom to a high school friend. That led to coffee with said friend. Which led to meeting my husband. Again, Providence.

I wish I had time to recount to you all the ways in which God quietly guided me towards Himself in this time in my life. You see, in this messy tangled web I was removing myself from, I chose to take the steps out of it. I was still the one making choices. But the sweet still voice of the Lord was there whispering gently. He saved me. He saved me from myself and my terrible choices. He saved me when I didn’t even know I wanted it or needed.

But oh goodness, there were many people affected by my mess. I caused broken relationships and pain and strife. All of which I think of often, and feel remorse for what I had to do. I have thought through it over and over again for years. Over a decade now. And I finally had a realization that there is nothing I could have done differently. Removal from a situation that was created in sinful action is never pretty, easy, or clean. My only course of action is to recognize my sin, repent, and move forward.

Why do I tell you all of this? Because in the midst of my own personal hell, God was walking with me. He was guiding me. He was directing my steps to my best life, even when I didn’t see it. If felt hard. It felt painful. If felt right and confusing at the same time.

I’m not sure where you are at in this story. Are you the one walking through the dark scary things? Are you the one who can live out truth and love boldly to those who need it? Are you holding on to a past situation that you need to take responsibility for? Or to repent of?

But even in all of this, the chaos seems to abound. How do I know that God is still in control? How do I know that He loves me? Or loves you? Your loved one? Or your family? Because God is still the same, yesterday, today, tomorrow, forever. The scariest part of life sometimes is deciding to put your foot down right in front of you when you literally cannot see the ground. One statement that I will always remember in the hardest of times: Sometimes, God allows us to see the whole forest in front of us. And sometimes, He only allows us to see the very ground beneath our feet. Trusting God in each and every step of our day is hard. It is tiring. It is scary. It is beautiful. And comforting.

Imagine the rest that is found when we stop striving for our life to fit the mold that we have designed in our head. To develop that type of dependency in Christ is a type of faith to be sought after. Not feared.

Do you remember Paul? In one of his letters to the Corinthians, he talks about a “thorn” in his flesh. I’ve read countless articles that basically come to similar conclusions: we don’t know what this thorn is. And I think this is intentional. We cannot explain it away.

“So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given to me in the flesh, messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” – 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

You see, the big story, the overarching story for all of time, has one main focus: God. The God of the universe. And how beautiful is it that we get to even catch a glimpse of it as it unfolds. This is history in the making.

And even then, God so sovereignly steps in. To grant us grace and providence when the brokenness of this world breaks us down. One day, when history ends and forever begins, we will get to see why. All the why’s of all the hurts and all the questions. Depend on God.  Rest in the never-changing, ever-faithful character of our Lord.